The Maternity of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Darren Shields
Art by SaburoX
Episode 1: The Maternity of Haruhi Suzumiya II
A story by Darien Shields.
A heavy thud was followed by a sharp bang and finally a liquid splash.
“Aaaah! Sorry!” the redhead wailed as she looked in dismay at the puddle of green tea on the floor. Immediately she leaned towards the spill to try and clean it, when a tired sigh came from across the table.
“That’s alright Asahina-san.” Kyon cut in, rising from his seat quickly, “Let me.” he added, waving his hands to stop the young girl from bending over. ‘Or to put it bluntly, if you try to clean it up yourself, you’ll only cause more damage.‘ he mused to himself.
Mikuru bit her lip and gave him an almost tearful look. She always seemed to be on the verge of tears, but even more so over the past few days. Finally she nodded gently and backed away. She only narrowly avoided thumping the table a second time as she did so, her pendulous belly swaying close to it with every waddling step she took.
Mikuru Asahina was ungainly on her good days. This was not the first time she had spilled the drinks she was bringing in the club room of the SOS Brigade, and it was likely not the last. However, the amount of tea spilled had tripled since her stomach bloomed outwards less than a week ago. In fact, Kyon was beginning to wonder when the last time he had tasted Mikuru’s green tea was…
‘Not that she can be blamed for this unsightly situation…‘ Kyon thought to himself, frowning. ‘No, Asahina-san is never responsible, but we all always have to bear the results of all flights of fancy.‘ he thought scornfully as he lifted the cracked porcelain cup from the ground. ‘And this time is particularly bad…‘
As the young man monologued, he found his eyes coming to rest on the ill-fated redhead’s stomach. To say she looked ‘pregnant’ was a gross understatement. The maid’s costume that she wore- Kyon assumed out of habit, or habitual fear of Haruhi- had burst around the middle, the frilly white apron now sitting like a tiny blanket upon Asahina’s belly. Her stomach sloped out in all directions, curving out from her sides and dipping deep into her hips with its weight. It would have been comical, if not for the heart-breaking expression of the girl attached, as it looked comparable almost to an over-inflated beach ball of bare smooth skin.
Noticing his gaze, the girl gave a weak squeal and shielded her stomach with her now empty serving tray. The effect was negligible, like trying to cover an open pot with a bottle-cap. Still, it broke Kyon out of his daze long enough to realise the embarrassment he had cause.
“Ah- I’m sor-” he began to mumble, waving his arms apologetically. However, he had difficulty finishing his apology, as his eyes- no matter how much he tried to stop them- couldn’t help but notice that in shielding her bare stomach, had left the copious valley of her cleavage unguarded. Though she had always been busty, to say the least, her chest had grown along with her belly, creating two great head-sized globes of flesh that now sat upon her belly, wrapped in the ruined scraps of the maid costume that barely kept her decent. To make matters worse, the great mounds of flesh wobbled and jiggled violently with every movement of the girl’s body, testing their confines every time…
“Kyaa!” she squeaked again, realising Kyon’s new line of sight.
“Sorry!” Kyon declared with finality, turning around swiftly to keep his eyes from temptation.
This, however, only brought his gaze to a disturbingly similar sight; Yuki Nagato. The girl sat in her usual place at the club room’s table, wearing her uniform and staring single-mindedly at the book she had with her today, flipping pages in the time it took for Kyon to read its title.
‘At least Nagato doesn’t seem bothered.‘ Kyon noted, as he looked on. ‘Either that, or hasn’t noticed. Considering her identical behaviour, is it possible that her procedural-brain just hasn’t taken in the fact…?‘ A shiver ran up his spine. ‘I pity the children, one way or the other‘
Nagato sat in virtually the same position, but for one thing- her legs parted to accommodate her tremendous belly. The perfect marble sphere didn’t quite match Mikuru’s in volume, but it was just as impressive, exploding out of Nagato’s humdrum attire. Boredom seemed to be written into her DNA somewhere (a thought that, at this point, Kyon was willing to seriously entertain), as she seemed to be the last person in the world one might expect to see pregnant, let alone so pregnant. As she moved silently around the school, the nude growth of her stomach drew more whispers than Mikuru’s, aggravated by her silence.
‘Ah, no, hold on…‘ Kyon corrected himself, spotting something odd. While Nagato’s pose was virtually identical, one hand was missing from her book. It took the young man several minutes to realise that it was planted upon the other side of her stomach, moving in slow, mechanical circles around her side, but rubbing it nonetheless. She flipped the pages of her book seamlessly with her thumb, allowing this hand to remain permanently on her belly. ‘Maybe she does realise.‘ Kyon added, staring at Nagato’s face.
‘Unfortunately, that’s about the last place I’d see any reaction in her body…‘ he went on dismally, realising that Nagato’s face may as well be a perfectly still mask grafted to her bones. ‘Oh well. Nagato is Nagato… Her children would probably be some sort of Data creatures with binary instead of genetic code. For that matter, isn’t Asahina-san from the future? Has the human genome advanced already? … as if that’d help this predicament anyway.‘
“Another thirsty afternoon?” a cheerful, smooth voice sounded over Kyon’s shoulder, as he finally resolved to mopping up the tea spilt earlier.
“If this is becoming habit, why don’t you bring drinks in with you, Koizumi?” Kyon grumbled.
“Ah, sorry… I’ll make something…” Mikuru piped up in the background. The thump and bustle of her stomach barging about the club room followed.
“No need, Asahina-san.” Koizumi interrupted, smiling. The other male member of the SOS Brigade held up a carrier bag clearly stuffed with soft-drink cans. “I took Kyon’s advice after all.” he added, jokingly.
“So is seeing the future one of your extra-sensory powers?” Kyon sighed, rising from the ground. ‘And if so, why didn’t you warn as about all this mess in advance so that we could at least have prepared fitting clothes.‘
Koizumi merely laughing charmingly in response. “I’m afraid that comes down to great minds thinking alike.”
Kyon released another forlorn sigh as he took one of the juice cans. ‘If that’s the case, how is it that neither of these so-called ‘great minds’ found a way to avoid this in the first place? As soon as the words came out of her mouth, I should have known for it to end, on that fateful Spring afternoon when Haruhi burst into this room shouting- ‘
The door to the club room burst open, as it did almost every day, revealing the SOS Bridage’s chief. It was only recently, though, that Haruhi Suzumiya had taken to barging the door open with her stomach, rather than her foot. She marched through with the same over-abundance of zeal and cheer that she always did, her face twisted into the manic, proud grin that Kyon had grown to fear.
It was a wonder that she could fit through the door at all, much less charge through it with the same speed as usual. Haruhi had not escaped the fate that befell her other club-members; she too was not only pregnant, but impossibly so. Haruhi’s stomach dwarfed her own figure, projecting out over two feet in front of her, and swelling even wider than her broad hips. Considering how the two carried themselves, none of the students would ever have guessed Haruhi’s stomach was bigger than Mikuru’s, until the two were in the same room together. It almost seemed like an optical illusion, as Haruhi approached Mikuru, and the brunette’s stomach proved easily larger.
Of course, it helped that Haruhi, somehow, had perfectly fitting clothes. ‘For clothes of such proportion, tailor-made is one thing…‘ Kyon thought to himself, casting his mind back to where Haruhi found her current attire, ‘… but second hand in a thrift store is completely impossible. Why would someone even have made a school uniform of such dimensions?!‘ he thought angrily, finding himself once more at odds with the machinations of the universe.
The other thing that made Haruhi’s pregnancy less noticeable was how it failed to impede her at all. If Kyon had not been forced to feel its firmness and weight, he would have guessed that Haruhi had somehow built a giant balloon into her clothes, considering how she tirelessly charged around.
All this still didn’t explain how quickly everyone seemed ready to drop the subject of Haruhi’s condition. The day after she strode into class, stomach in full bloom, undeniably pregnant, all rumours had fizzled out. It was not that they’d been silenced, but somehow the ‘juice’ of the gossip had vanished. Nobody seemed interested, as if three planet-sized school girls was a day to day occurrence. This odd twist of fate, though, was one Kyon approved of.
‘At least the severity of this has finally brought her to the realisation that one of her ludicrous fantasies has come true after all. Maybe if we can make her see that her whims are being inflicted upon the universe she’ll finally calm down and let the laws of physics resurface. At the very least knowing the source of these pregnancies will direct her energy in a-‘
“Oi, Kyon, pay attention when your Leader is talking.” Haruhi snapped, placing a hand angrily on her hip. “This is important. I’ve discovered a genuine Alien Impregnation.” she purred.
Something sank in Kyon’s stomach. “H-hold on a moment, Haruhi. Just who is it that you think’s been impregnated by aliens?” he demanded.
Haruhi rolled her eyes. “I’d think that’d be obvious even to someone with as little brains as you. Tomoko Nanahara from class 3-4!” Haruhi explained.
‘On retrospect, perhaps it was too much to hope for. However, it’s still hard to let go, when the truth is so close. It feels like dangling a carrot before a donkey until your arm is sore, only to finally have it sniff… but not bite.‘
“A week ago Nanahara was absent from school. Around the same time flashing lights were witnessed in the sky above Shinjuku where she lives…”
‘I could point out that airplanes have blinking lights, or that Shinjuku is big enough to be a town in its own right. But… Dammit. I’ve got to force the carrot into this donkey’s mouth.‘
“Oi, what do you call this?” Kyon burst out, pointing to the bulges sprouting from each of the girls present. “If there’s alien impregnation in this school do you really have to force investigations on some poor girl who had a cold, instead of looking at the truth that’s right in front of you!?”
Haruhi gave Kyon a livid expression. ‘No, that’s not all. It’s that look of disbelief. Right now Haruhi is wondering ‘how can Kyon be so stupid?’‘ Rather than spit a response back at him as he’d expected, she strode up to him, so that her stomach was pressed up against his side. “You can’t dodge responsibility that easily.” she said, poking him sharply in the shoulder.
“Just what is that supposed to mean?” Kyon asked, confusion sweeping over him.
Haruhi sighed. “I’m trying to do important paranormal research here to revolutionise the world. It’s bad enough that you have to interrupt this, but to use it as a cover for your own responsibility is shameful.” she said derisively.
“My responsibility?” Kyon asked. ‘The more questions I ask, the further we’re swept away from the truth. But I can’t escape this sinking feeling.‘ “Just how do you think you got pregnant, Haruhi?”
Another sigh, this one even angrier, burned from Haruhi’s lips. “I confess that even I get in the mood for romance once in a while. I didn’t want to get saddled with the burden of some partner, but when you have to sate your urges you don’t think about these things. You should feel lucky enough to have had the opportunity to sate those urges. But either way, you have to keep your responsibility.”
‘Impossible. What is this?! Haruhi thinks that… that I’m the father?! Under normal circumstances this might have been flattering, but I’m beginning to feel like I’m caught in some sort of husband-trap.‘
“W-wait a moment. When could that have possibly happened?!” Kyon retorted desperately.
Haruhi rolled her eyes again. “You ought to remember when something so important happens. But I guess it was sometime last week.”
“You can’t remember either!” Kyon snapped.
“Dates aren’t important.” Haruhi shrugged.
“That’s not normal after just a week, either! Not with a human!” Kyon growled, pointing at Haruhi’s colossal stomach.
“Haven’t you heard of fast developers?” Haruhi shot back.
“What about Asahina-san or Nagato?!”
“Like I keep track of how they spend their free time. Although I must admit, it’s disappointing that my club members should go and get knocked up without asking for permission first…” Haruhi sighed, speaking in a completely serious voice. “Anyway. Kyon. Enough. If I’d been impregnated by aliens, it’d be a little convenient, don’t you think? If that were the case I might as well have espers and time travellers right under my nose.” she snorted.
‘… But you Do!‘ Kyon thought furiously. Instead of speaking, he just released another long, low sigh.
Haruhi took this as her cue to go on, leaping back into her previous line of conversation with just as much fervor as before. “Anyway, Nanahara’s been throwing up in the girl’s toilets since she was off…”
“You have your orders! Meet again here tomorrow!” Haruhi declared fiercely, her eyes twinkling, before twirling her belly around and barging back out the door.
Silence followed as four sets of eyes remained focused on the doorway Haruhi had just departed through. Finally Kyon found the words to speak.
“She thinks… I’m the reason she’s pregnant…” he mouthed, brows furrowing in frustration.
“Maybe you should feel honoured after all.” Koizumi shrugged. “God thinks you’re the father of her children.” he added with a grin.
“This isn’t a joke!” Kyon interrupted, cutting out Koizumi’s line of humour. “This is alien impregnation, which makes it your domain, Nagato.”
The conversation paused as all eyes turned to the pale girl who had remained motionless through the whole meeting, even as Haruhi issued her orders to spend the night raiding through Tomoko Nanahara’s trash for a radioactive pregnancy test. After several strained moments, she spoke. “I’m not responsible.” she explained, simply.
Something half way between a growl and a sigh broke from Kyon’s lips. “But do you know who is?”
“No.” Nagato responded immediately.
“Probably…” Nagato spoke again, cutting Kyon off before he could start. “… another agent of the integrated data entry… wanting to avoid Haruhi’s boredom, caused for her to become pregnant, fulfilling her subconscious desire. Probably.”
“And you and Asahina-san as well.” Kyon added, groaning. “But how do I get this idea of paternity out of her head…?”
“Actually… this situation might be more delicate than we first anticipated.” Koizumi cut in.
‘Why is that sinking feeling returning?‘
“True, Haruhi sometimes seems capable of reshaping the world, however… sometimes when her desires go awry, she changes her mind. For instance, although she earnestly wanted to meet an alien, time traveller, and esper, she was not willing to believe that the answer would present itself so willingly to us…” Koizumi explained.
“Or on that island- where she didn’t want any of us to be killers- she almost created another killer to protect us…” Kyon nodded in agreement. ‘And if I remember correctly, that little escapade was all your doing, Koizumi.‘
“Exactly. This situation is something like that… Haruhi truly wanted to witness- perhaps even be the subject of an alien impregnation- however, when it actually happened, she was unwilling to believe it. However, that leaves her with three unexplained pregnancies, so she has to think up another reason…” as Koizumi finished his sentence, he pointed towards Kyon himself.
‘… it is a husband trap, after all.‘ Kyon wept internally.
“In other words, Haruhi may have altered reality so that rather than aliens, a human is the father of her children.”
“But… that was in the past… she can’t change…” Kyon struggled for words.
Mikuru shook her head, taking the rare opportunity to speak up. “Haruhi may have changed the past before…”
‘Isn’t this what, in terms of fiction, they would call a Ret-Con?‘ Kyon asked himself. ‘Ah, that’s it. It’s a Ret-Con. Haruhi Ret-Conned me to be the father of her child. … Impossible‘
“Hold on. This is all theory and conjecture.” Kyon frowned.
“That’s right.” Koizumi nodded. “Perhaps Haruhi will give birth to a beautiful baby alien. But if not… you might want to get ready for a paternity test.”
“What did I do to deserve this?” Kyon groaned.
“Simple.” Koizumi shrugged. “You were boring.”
Episode 2: The Maternity of Haruhi Suzumiya VI
As Kyon strolled towards the literature club room, he didn’t think much of the double doors that now graced its entrance. Sure, when they’d been renovated last month during the mid-term holiday, due to a sudden change in public safety regulations, it had come as a surprise, but now the change had settled comfortably into his mind. He had even managed to suppress the nagging fact that the new doors had come just when Haruhi had started struggling to pass through every doorway in the school without bashing her sides against the door frames.
“Noooo!” a sharp squeal sounded as he opened the door. He could guess what was happening almost immediately from the tone of Mikuru’s voice, but he opened the doors nonetheless.
At times like this, when normally one should only see a few blurred seconds of motion, Kyon found that instead, his eyes worked like a perfect camera, immediately carving every detail of the room deep into his brain.
Mikuru stood closest to him, half way through dashing for the door. The time traveler’s face was scrunched up in protest, tears streaming from her eyes as her mouth hung open to wail. Her stomach still projected out feet in front of her, with practically as much volume as the rest of her body. It certainly dwarfed her- bulging so far out to her left and right that even seen from behind her gravid condition was obvious. Her skin had been stretched and smoothed over her belly like a tanned hide, her navel now an indistinct area stretched as wide as a saucer over her front, but sticking out less than a centimetre.
As Kyon’s mind captured this image, her chest was bouncing violently due to her protests, looking gargantuan peach gelatin molds. Miraculously, her round globes had been contained in a fitting scarlet bra, each cup large enough to double as a child’s hammock. ‘Not only is it ludicrous that Haruhi should have found such a thing, it’s absurd that they should even make ‘Omega’ Cup Bras.‘ Kyon had thought, when first discovering the cavernous underwear. Now her star-shaped mole was almost impossible to find, like a black grain of sand dropped into a pearly white dune.
Of course, Nagato sat in her usual position, rubbing a belly almost as big as Mikuru’s. Oddly, the pale girl had forsaken larger garments in favour of leaving her skin bare. ‘Does her hand ever leave her stomach?‘ Kyon had wondered. ‘At this rate, she’ll rub the skin off and dig right into her stomach if she never stops!‘ He also noted that her novels had at some point become interspersed with informative texts on her condition. And yet he face looked identical, still.
With Mikuru fleeing in such terror, it could only mean one thing- Haruhi had found her new clothes.
Sure enough, standing behind the petrified redhead was their fearless leader, waddling after her carrying the latest kinky garment she’d chosen to attract members. Were it not for the shiny plastic look of the fabric, the new outfit would have looked like a great scarlet bed sheet. Various bumps and darker areas denoted the lay of the outfit, which looked like some odd sort of PVC jumpsuit.
“I can change myself!” Mikuru wept as she thumped away from Haruhi. “Ah- Aaaaaa!” she paused, then shrieked as she spotted Kyon, standing agape in the doorway.
“Sorry!” he apologised immediately, slamming the doors shut.
This was by no means the end of either the high-pitched wails or the battle, and for several minutes Kyon stood silently listening to bumps and shouts from inside the club room. As usual, Nagato remained completely silent. The afternoon ticked away as Asahina stopped struggling against Haruhi and started struggling noisily against her outfit. Finally, after almost half an hour of moans and grunts, her sweet voice called back through the door.
“You can come in now…”
Kyon opened the double doors and was almost blinded by the sight on the other side. Now covered in the reflective crimson material, Mikuru’s belly looked like a huge red sun. Immediately he realised just what Haruhi had dressed her lifesize doll up as this time.
“So just where did you find a maternity-plus Asuka-Langley-Soryu costume?” he asked with a groan as he entered.
Haruhi grinned. “The seller was willing to make a few modifications when I paid her.” she explained.
‘Ah, I’ve heard that story before…‘ Kyon thought. Usually the truth involved much more force on Haruhi’s part, and some curious miracle from the other party. ‘After all, this costume follows every contour of Asahina-san’s body perfectly, not just that impossible stomach, but her national-treasure chest, and the slope of her thighs-‘
“Stop drooling.” Haruhi snapped, knocking Kyon over the head. She grinned evily. “Remember, you’re my property, and I didn’t give you permission to look at Mikuru-chan.” she added.
Somehow, Kyon didn’t feel like crying when he heard these words. ‘Since falling into this unlikely husband-trap situation, I’ve had to get used to being ‘property’ and following her ‘orders’ even more closely than before. For an ordinary person, this should’ve caused a mental breakdown. How is it that I get through these things with my sanity in tact?‘ he wondered idly.
Following orders, he took his glance from Mikuru and instead looked to his ‘owner’. ‘Considering how big you’ve gotten Haruhi, isn’t it obvious that I’m not the father of your children?‘ he proposed, with little seriousness, to himself. ‘Then again, at that size, aliens would be out of the question too. In fact, really, the only explanation should be that you’re having a baby hippo…‘ he went on.
Haruhi still stood on the other side of the table, her legs astride to accommodate the bulge of her stomach. The brigade’s chief had yet to relinquish her lead in terms of size, still dwarfing both Nagato and Mikuru with her stomach. It easily passed her knees sitting down, and seemed to be plotting to surpass her shins soon, before the final push to exceed her feet. Its weight ought to have left her pinned to the ground, as even Mikuru had trouble walking around too long, but somehow Haruhi could still stand proud with her hands on her hips, although her gait had quickly become an exaggerated waddle, but just one with disturbing speed.
Getting her to accept being excused from PE had been something of a struggle, especially when she still managed to beat Kyon at the hundred metre dash ‘Although her ability to tie my shoelaces together beforehand doesn’t say much about her physical condition.‘ She had continued to wear her PE uniform whenever she saw fit, as she did now. The navy bloomers were almost completely eclipsed by her stomach, showing only the sleek length of her legs. She was still finding tent-sized white T-shirts for herself, but currently she had pulled the fitting garment back to reveal her gargantuan stomach. She was even rubbing it- an almost unheard of activity for Haruhi- trying, apparently, to clean off the sticky skin of sweat that had dried on it.
She glared at Kyon, whose eyes had settled on her belly. “I didn’t say you could look at me either.”
Kyon rolled his eyes. “What do I have permission to look at?”
Haruhi’s ambitious grin appeared. Kyon resisted the urge to gulp. “This.” she replied, throwing a magazine down on the table.
Kyon picked it up, with a dreadful feeling of curiosity, as if he were looking up at the sky for an approaching meteorite. He was comfortably surprised. “Cosplay outfits? So is this where you got that from?”
“Not that!” Haruhi frowned. “Inside.”
“Come to think of it wouldn’t Nagato have been more appropriate as Rei?” Kyon asked, dwelling upon the advert.
“Nagato doesn’t have as much ero-ero.” Haruhi explained gleefully, groping at Mikuru’s globular chest to demonstrate.
“Stoooop.” she squealed in response, shielding herself.
A flash of light filled the room as Haruhi whipped a camera out from nowhere. “See what I mean?” she said to Kyon, the smug grin still filling her features.
‘The size of her bust may be one thing, but I have a feeling you’re going to be disappointed Haruhi, when you realise no-one wants to see pictures of a pregnant girl. Not that they don’t have their charm…‘ Kyon spoke to himself. ‘… Hold on, just when did such thoughts creep into my head?’ He frowned at Haruhi, but she was too busy dancing around the fleeing Mikuru with her camera to notice. ‘Don’t tell me your world-reshaping has been directed at me. If this is an attempt to make yourself look attractive then… Dammit!‘
Kyon’s head thumped against the table, silencing the battle inside. Nobody seemed to notice. He released a sigh. ‘At least, somehow, I’ve gotten used to another unbelievable situation. And Haruhi got off the subject of alien impregnation without the entire school falling pregnant by integrated data entities…‘ he thought. Unfortunately, Haruhi’s imagination had left more than just the SOS Brigade scathed, but no-one else seemed to have grown impossibly. Kyon had chalked up most of the ominous bulges he was seeing now to poor diet and his own over-active imagination. ‘… the lycanthropes and secret agents were a bit more harrowing, but they too somehow passed without leaving too much of an impact.‘
Haruhi threw herself down tiredly into the chair opposite Kyon. It creaked under her weight and for a moment seemed ready to explode into a bundle of metal and plastic shards. It held, though, against all odds. Haruhi fanned herself with one hand, and slipped the other under her shirt to rub the globe of her stomach again. “Man, I still hate this summer weather.” she moaned. “Even in this uniform I’m boiling.”
“The pregnancy probably makes it worse.” Kyon added, lifting his face from the desk. “And you shouldn’t complain, after forcing Asahina-san into that.” he pointed out, indicating the skin-tight ‘plug-suit’ Mikuru now wore.
“Ah- uhm- well- I’m fine…” Mikuru murmured.
Haruhi glowered at Kyon once more. “So what you’re saying is that my excessive body temperature is actually your fault.”
‘I should have seen that coming. All her problems go back to that massive stomach, and of course, I fall responsible for it.‘ Kyon thought. He said nothing and just let Haruhi’s glare burn into the top of his skull.
Kyon sighed. ‘Even that I can somehow get used to.‘
“Hey.” Haruhi cut into his monologue, slapping her belly to draw his attention. Kyon expected that she had wanted to slam the table with her fists, but it was far too far away for her to reach with her stomach pushing her back. “Read that article.” she ordered again. The anger melted out of her face, replaced with her chilling zeal. “I’ve finally found something totally amazing for us to investigate again.” she grinned.
Kyon felt despair wash over him again as he finally looked at the article in question.
“You’ve got to be kidding…” he muttered, eyes going from the page to Haruhi. He wasn’t looking at her face but her gargantuan stomach.
Haruhi shook her head. “This is totally the perfect paranormal phenomenon for us to pursue.”
‘Perhaps this is punishment for my complacency…‘ Kyon mused. He took one final look at the article’s title before giving up all hope.